We had just finished a day of outdoor fun.  It was last summer, July in fact.  Double Drop Falls provided a great way to escape from the heat of a Sacramento Saturday.  Madelyn and I were upstairs watching something on the Disney channel, when we heard Karen.  She was calm, but clearly stunned.  One minute earlier, she was outside and it was dusk.  She was drying off the inflatable ride preparing to roll it up and allow the lawn to recover.  What is that you are thinking?  Why wasn't I doing that?  Get lost...

Our backyard is not very deep, maybe 40ft.  Our house exits to the patio.  In between the patio and the fence, is our lawn.  That is where Karen was working when she noticed a cat in her peripheral vision along the fence.  I don't think she looked directly at the cat.  At least not until her peripheral vision detected several cats - which would be unusual.  At some point her subconscious was curious and her head turned.  She saw three fluffy black cats.

The weird thing about these cats was their distinctive white stripes and long bushy tails that are characteristic of, well - er... skunks.  Oh my God! SKUNKS! 

The scientific classification for a skunk is:

Kingdom - Animalia

Phylum - Chordata

Class - Mammalia

Order - Carnivora

Suborder - Canifornia

Family - Mephitidae

Genera - There are 4, but these were striped skunks that are part of Mephitis

 

These critters have two glands that produce 15cc of a mixture of sulfur-containing chemicals.  Skunk spray is composed mainly of low molecular weight thiol compounds, namely (E)-2-butene-1-thiol, 3-methyl-1-butanethiol and (E)-2-butenyl thioacetate.  These compounds are detectable at concentrations of about 2 parts per million.  The odor of thiols is often strong and repulsive, particularly for those of low molecular weight. Thiols bind strongly to skin proteins, and are responsible for the intolerable, persistent odor produced after being sprayed by a skunk.

If you (or your dog Sparky) get sprayed, please don't listen to Uncle Larry's advice and place your butt in a tub of tomato juice...  It is the 21st century... Apply science...  Mix one quart of 3% hydrogen peroxide, one quarter cup of baking soda, and one teaspoon of liquid soap. Bathe in this solution and rinse with tap water.  The thiols, which are responsible for the odor, are not water soluble, even with soap, but the baking soda catalyzes the oxidative ability of the peroxide, which oxidizes the thiols into highly water-soluble sulfonates.

Be warned that there is no way to store this potion.  If you put the ingredients in a bottle, the whole thing will explode!

...shame on you for skipping that day in Chemistry class because of your hangover...

Now in case you don't have a picture in your mind, Karen is in the backyard, decommissioning an inflatable water toy, at dusk, less than 12ft from a fence line, that is the current path for three heretofore unseen - SKUNKS!  Muscles located next to the scent glands allow skunks to spray with high accuracy as far as 7 to 15 ft.  Karen doesn't realize it at this point, but she is in real danger of becoming the first woman in our household that will be forced to sleep naked outside until the neighbors can ante up some hydrogen peroxide and baking soda...

She manages to backpedal into the house and make her way upstairs, interrupting Madelyn and me by saying, "We have skunks in our backyard."  Madelyn and I immediately looked at each other and said, "Cool!  Let's check it out!"  We leaped from our positions, found a flashlight and dragged Karen (reluctantly) downstairs and out the door.  "Back there." Karen said, pointing to the fountain area.  "I saw three of them."  Madelyn and I looked carefully - nothing.  "Are you sure you saw skunks?"  I had to ask.  Karen gave me "the look" which - translated means, "You idiot!"  So, we looked some more. 

Suddenly, I saw something move on the other side of our fence.  I quickly drew the flashlight to the spot and found myself staring directly into the black eyes of a baby skunk.  It was like a shootout at the OK corral.  He stared at me, waiting to see if I would turn off the light and I... well, I had nothing.  After a few seconds, he came right under the fence and his two little brothers followed.  They headed directly for the birdseed under the Sequoia that over spilled from the feeder.

Madelyn and I watched in disbelief as these fear inspiring creatures invaded our property.  We watched the next evening, and the next, and the next.  I called the County's animal control department and they said that they would be able to deliver a trap within a week.  While we watched the skunks, we detected a pattern and noticed more of them.  At one point, I was able to video tape 7 skunks playing in our backyard all at once.  They would come in under the fence and walk along the concrete lawn barrier towards the birdseed.  From there, they would follow the edge of pavement over to the side gate and exit the property under the gate crossing the street to the wetland.

When the trapper (Don) arrived, he provided elementary "trapper" training.  "Here are the rules:  Set the trap only Sunday through Thursday.  Call me in the morning between 8 and 9am if you get one.  Do you understand that I will euthanize any skunk you catch?"

"Euthanize!  I should hope so.  What the hell else would you do with them?"  I asked.

"Well some people are sensitive about such things."  Don tactfully replied.

"Great, you can release the live ones in their backyard if it helps them sleep better at night."  I sarcastically exclaimed.  "Sunday through Thursday only eh?  I will have to show Karen how to do this since I will be travelling for a while."

"Does she know that I will euthanize the skunks?" Don asked.  I looked at him and said, "You can mark the checkbox that says you clearly informed the defenseless humans that the skunks would be killed upon capture!  I will even perform a tribal dance if it helps expedite this extinction.  By the way Don, what do I feed the skunks?"

"Peanut butter and jelly on a cracker will do."

I went inside to get Madelyn.  "You gonna help me set the trap Madelyn?" I asked her.

"Sure Daddy, what should I do?"

"Go to the kitchen and get some crackers, peanut butter and jelly” I instructed.  She began diligently collecting the ingredients for a skunk's last meal when she panic'd and cried, "Daddy, we have 3 different kinds of jelly in the 'fridgerator.  What flavor do the skunks like?"

"I really don't know Honey.  Let's put one of each flavor into the trap and let them show us what they prefer."  I reasoned.  And there we were.  Choices:  One cracker with Welch’s (squeezable) Grape Jelly, one with Mary Ellen Strawberry Jam and one with Safeway Raspberry Preserves.  All of these were carefully spooned onto square Low Sodium Saltines with a dollop of Skippy Creamy Peanut Butter (in case you were looking for a recipe.)

Madelyn then asked, “How will they know to come here when they get hungry?”  Good question Madelyn, let’s advertise.  I asked her to come up with some words for a sign.  This is what she crafted.

It worked – we caught one that evening, another one the next and the next.  Our neighbor Dave caught a couple too.  In the end, we trapped 9 skunks that were likely born under Dave’s shed the Spring. 

As it turns out, skunks follow “trails” and once they find food, they will return following the same path repeatedly.  This worked to our advantage because their preferred route into our backyard was by tunneling under the fence from the front yard.  This was the perfect place for the trap.

After 5 consecutive days without a catch, trapper Don came to gather the traps for other needs.  He was impressed with our success and humored by our advertising so he asked if he could keep the sign…

Guys...  have you ever heard your spouse say, "It would be nice if you made the bed once in a while" ?

I have, and I went way out of my way to do it...

When Karen and I decided to get a new mattress, we took the opportunity to "size up".  Our previous bed was a queen-sized cherry "sleigh bed" that was part of a furniture collection by Basset.  It wasn't much more than a panel with moulding, a rounded cap and some slightly profiled bedposts.  Good opportunity for a new project!

The "In Progress..." section at left contains all of the progress photos.  Here is an original rendering of how the finished product was supposed to look.

Here is the finished product...  I have to say, it turned out just fine.  Sweet Dreams !

Christmas Eve 2006...

We decided to celebrate with the Kirstine family in the Sierra snow.  Our original plan was to go skiing on Christmas day, but the storm was coming and we did not want to get stuck...

Jim Kirstine is the #1 man this year at Soda Springs, so that was our destination.  Karen placed a quick call to Jose' to see if cousins Zoe and Danika were going to meet us for snow-play...

Snow fell last Thursday so we knew the conditions were good...

I was prepared to load the truck with winter essentials:  shovel, the winter kit (tarp, matches, gloves, blankets, snowball makers, tire chains, chain installation gear), water, food, games, etc... when I mentioned to Karen that I planned on getting new tires soon...

In a split second, Karen became a tire tread expert, inspected my vehicle and made the executive decision that we would not be using the truck for the trek...

Instead we would be driving the Benz because it was "safer".  Apparently, Karen purchased new snow tires recently and figured her vehicle was better prepared to assure our safety...

In fairness, she just became the rightful owner of the vehicle that we leased for 5 years, has a (relatively unused) ski rack installed, new tires, four wheel - no, all wheel drive and she needs snow experience...

No problem, I'll enjoy the view...

Now, the last time we used this rig in the Sierra during winter, I was driving...  Madelyn came down with a sudden fever and I was hurrying the family home from the North Shore of Lake Tahoe after midnight in a snowstorm... 

As I turned on the wipers over Mt. Watson summit, I realized that the windshield fluid in the reservoir was pure water...  The windshield was quickly turning to ice... in fact the hose delivering the water to the windshield froze too...

No problem, I'll enjoy the view...

We hobbled home by stopping every few miles to grab snow, clean the window and allow the defroster to "clear my view"...  I kept mumbling that this rig was a toy and ill prepared for Sierra winters...

So this time, I couldn't help to poke fun at Karen's car and ask her the requisite question, "Is the wiper fluid freeze proof?"  She said yes...

No problem, I'll enjoy the view...

We arrived at Soda Springs - barely...  Oh sure the roads were clear and the traffic was minimal...  but as we approached, there was a minivan that overturned in front of us and quickly became fully engulfed in flames...  (turns out, it was some of Jim's staff - nobody was hurt)

If that wasn't enough, as we get to the town of Norden, we approach the train tracks... the front tires are on the track when Karen realizes that there is a train approaching less than 100 yards port side...

Karen slams the vehicle in reverse as I watch the guard coming down on top of the car...  Feeling like I'm in an action movie, my senses are sharpened...  As the 100th car passes left to right, we see another train coming from starboard...

No problem, I'll enjoy the view...

We arrived, got dressed, got lifted, made one ski run and it was snack time...  two runs later, we were through...  Jim made some family friendly additions at Soda Springs this year that included a tube run, a tube carousel and a kid-sized snowmobile track...  Madelyn and Zoe took turns on the snowmobile...  (see movie clip below)

Later, we hiked around, looked for bears, made snow angels, took pictures, threw snowballs, exchanged gifts, said goodbyes and drove home...

No problem, I enjoyed the view...

QuickTime™ is needed to view this movie clip.

To download the free version of QuickTime™ Player 6.5.2, click here.

Snowmobile Fun   This 14 second file is 3.3Mb.

To download the movie clip, right click on the link above and select “Save As…”

We needed to visit Grandma Johnson...  She lives in Phoenix and we wanted to visit before it "warmed up"...

Karen and I decided that the first weekend of May would be just right...  Karen booked the flights and hotel and left the rental to me... (don't ask, its a control thing...)

"Remember to reserve a car" she reminded me (over and over and over...)

...of course, I didn't remember - or at least that is how I sold it...

Madelyn and I logged on to the Hertz web site to see if they rented any H3 (hummers)...  We were in luck, just one catch, they are considered premium rentals and need special attention during pickup...

No problem!  If I play it right, Karen will just think I am begging for a car since I am so incompetent at travel planning...

The weak link in this scheme was Madelyn...  If she makes a peep, the whole deal is off...  So I had to convince her that this was a special trick...

So we browsed some Hummer Web sites that had pictures of brave (read stupid) souls that take their vehicle to places where vehicles don't belong - then ask someone to photograph it...  Madelyn thought that was cool...  We had a bond...  She would keep quiet...

When we arrived at the (massive) Phoenix rental terminal, Karen was probably trying to find a cab while I sheepishly walked up to the counter to ask for help...  Like clockwork, it took longer than it should as I had to provide endless proof of identity and trustworthiness...

Finally, I had the keys...  I found my family... I said, "Well, they didn't have air conditioning, but we should get great gas mileage!"  Karen rolled her eyes...

As we entered the garage, the H3 was parked in front - Valet style... shiny, black, HUGE...  At that very moment, Madelyn peeped, "Surprise Mommy, Daddy got the Man Hummer!"

QuickTime™ is needed to view this movie clip.

To download the free version of QuickTime™ Player 6.5.2, click here.

Man Hummer   This 58 second file is 13.5Mb.

Tuesday night is taco night.  Partly because we like tacos, and partly because it is an easy dinner to prepare after returning from a variety of summer activities. 

One Tuesday, I noticed something odd and was feeling particularly inquisitive so I asked Karen, "Why do we always have three different types of tortillas?" 

She replied, "Madelyn likes her quesadillas on flour tortillas.  I like the healthy (La Tortilla Factory) tortillas and the corn tortillas are for you."

"Oh..." I replied.

Karen then added, "The healthy ones are zero points."

"Zero points?  How is that possible?"

Until now, my only real interest in points was to correctly keep track of a competitive sporting event where points are awarded for some sort of display of competence (ie. goals, racing times, golf strokes, etc...)

Apparently, now you can get points for eating.  So why would you be excited about getting zero points? 

So I probed... 

What I found is that people who participate in the Weight Watchers™ program, assign points to food.  This concept can be mathematically represented in the following equation:

Fp (Fewer points) = Lw (Less Weight)

I know that Karen has followed the Weight Watchers™ program.  I also know that it works.  And since we regularly dine together, I have been unwittingly following the Weight Watchers™ program myself without fully understanding its construct.

So I probed... 

Karen was very eager to teach me.  She retrieved this contraption that can be best described as a nutritional slide rule.  It has four gradations etched into fixed and sliding positions.  The four gradations are labeled:

1.  Dietary Fiber (in grams)

2.  Calories

3.  Total Fat (in grams)

4.  Points

The slide rule functions by finding a food's fiber value and lining it up with the food's calories.  Then read the food's fat value and record the corresponding point assignment.  This logically means that there is a mathematical relationship between grams of fiber, calories, grams of fat and points.

Now I am not a nutritionist, but I did pay attention during all my schooling in Mathematics.  I remember some basic mathematical theorems. 

One of those states that in order to compare fractions, you need to find the least common multiple (LCM) and to add, subtract, multiply or divide fractions, you need to find the least common denominator (LCD).  Another theorem states that you cannot divide anything by zero.

It seemed to me that these theorems were being violated in the basic assembly of the slide rule. 

So I probed...

"If these are zero points, then you could eat the whole package and not contribute to your daily point total - right?"

"Well no, I count 1 point for two tortillas."   Karen re-butted.

"So two food items that independently calculate to zero points can result in an aggregate of one point?"

Karen gave me a look - while I will never really know, it looked like she was thinking, "You idiot! - don't question the points system!  Trust me - it just works."

...but I couldn't let it go...  So I started plugging numbers into the slide rule.  The healthy tortillas formula was:

8g (fiber) - 50 calories - 2g (fat) = 0 points!

On the healthy tortillas package, they advertised being low carb as well.  Actually 3 net carbs!  Here was the formula for carbohydrates:

11g (carbs) minus 8g (fiber) = 3g (carbs)

Now wait just a minute!  That is simply not mathematically correct!  Carbs minus fiber equals less carbs?  No, no, no!  I'll prove it using different algebraic variables:

11(x) - 8(y) = 3(x)     ...or how about this

11(houses) - 8(cars) = 3(houses)    ...or

11(miles) - 8(bananas) = 3(miles)    ...or

11(songs) - 8(weddings) = 3(songs)   ...or

11(anything) - 8(anything else) = 3(something)

So there I was, right in the middle of a mathematical conundrum (and mysteriously hungry too.)  Since it has been quite a while since I've studied math theory, I decided to do some research to try and find an explanation to the following rational problems:

Problem 1.  How can a tangible food product (tortillas), having nutritional value measured in grams of fiber, calories and grams of fat, possibly result in zero points?

Problem 2.  How can a marketing team advertise a food product as having 3 net carbs by subtracting 8 grams of fiber from 11 gross carbs?

I found several possible explanations.  Since these explanations often contain complex formulas that are beyond my ability to duplicate with this blog editor, I will provide links to each one.

The At Least One solution.   "At least one" is a mathematical term meaning one or more. It is commonly used in situations where existence can be established but it is not known how to determine the total number of solutions.

This term can be illustrated in the following tale:

"There are three men on a train. One of them is an economist and one of them is a logician and one of them is a mathematician. And they have just crossed the border into Scotland and they see a brown cow standing in a field from the window of the train (and the cow is standing parallel to the train).

And the economist says, `Look, the cows in Scotland are brown.'

And the logician says, 'No. There are cows in Scotland of which at least one is brown.'

And the mathematician says, 'No. There is at least one cow in Scotland, of which at least one side appears to be brown.'

The Rational Zero Theorem solution.  This theorem asserts that zero can be a rational conclusion if you just create an equation from a bunch of Greek symbols and discuss it with someone who never passed calculus.

The Sextic Equation solution.  This theorem asserts that zero can be made equivalent to seven preceding factorals regardless of the value assigned to each.

The Fuzzy Logic solution.  This solution asserts that if you create a contraption (slide rule) that looks official, it will work.

The Existence Problem solution.  This is one of my favorite explanations since it asserts that if the existence of a problem is questionable, than it simply shouldn't be considered as a problem.  Karen subconsciously depended on this solution when she gave me "the look".

Abel's Irreducibility Theorem solution.  This solution asserts that Weight Watchers™ points can be reduced gradually, and anything less than one, but greater than zero should automatically be considered zero.  This gives credibility to the zero section of the Weight Watchers™ slide rule.

The Zero Polynomial Theorem solution.  This may be the best explanation for both Problems #1 and #2.  It asserts that if a polynomial uses different bases (fiber and calories), a non-educated person will accept its premise and feel good about their nutritional selections even if those nutritional selections were acquired at a price outside of the statistical normal bell curve for similar foods (designated by alpha).

So I stopped probing... 

Finally, I can sit down and eat my seven tacos smothered with cheese, sour cream and salsa.  Honey, do we have any beer?