OK. I've taken 60+ trips in the last couple of years and I've got some issues that I need to talk about. Is it just me or can you relate? These are my top ten travel nuisances presented in reverse order:
10. Poor Fish
Been to Seattle lately? If you're thirsty (and don't want to drop $8 for 23oz of water) just follow the bronze floor fish in Terminal B. That's right - they will lead you to a good old fashioned drinking fountain. But wait! Be prepared. As you press the valve button you are in for a surprise. The valve is connected to a sound switch that blasts 73 decibels of a bubbling water noise. It will startle the unsuspecting tourist. I don't understand the point... Perhaps to make you feel guilty for putting a higher priority on quenching your thirst than re-directing the already treated, pressurized, purified water to Puget Sound?
9. Wake Up People!
I'm a glutton for punishment. I usually choose the earliest flight. That means getting to the airport before the employees in some cases. Good luck if you are in Charlotte, NC. First United flight is 5:50am. National Rental Car employees don't arrive until 6:00am. No big deal right? Just leave the car in the lot and note the mileage and drop the keys in the box - right?
Ha! In Charlotte, by the time you determine that there are no employees present and no chance of catching a shuttle to the terminal, you have already driven your rental over those spiked tire barriers and cannot escape the area. Fortunately, a cab driver followed me in (thinking he was headed someplace else) and together we pulled one of those "redneck" maneuvers that held down the spikes with a rock and a broken piece of curbing. He was desperate to earn his keep and risked 4 flat tires trying to get out. We did it! I asked for a lift to the terminal and tipped him well...
8. Common Sense Screening
With instant communication, blogs, RSS feeds, there is really no excuse for good ideas to remain isolated. Airports should subscribe to the newsletter of good ideas. One good idea, different lines for travelers of different experience levels. I have been stuck behind the rebelling teenager on his first flight trying to navigate the metal detector with all the studded implants in his butt...
Tired of disposing of your $8 bottled water or your $5 non-fat, decaf, grande something or other? Me too. One location in a Mountainous state (I'll remain vague because this probably does violate a Federal Law) applied some common sense to the "threat" of common liquid drinks. "I'll smell it and then you drink it" one screener declared.
That makes sense! If it doesn't smell like diesel fuel and doesn't taste like diesel fuel, it probably isn't diesel fuel (or benzine or gasoline or chloroform or any other ignition catalyst.)
...and if the passenger actually ingests diesel fuel while trying to bluff his way through security, just chalk it up to natural selection. He wasn't contributing to society anyway.
7. Chicago
Sorry Chicago-land natives, but your airports are the worst. From the inevitable weather delays to the downright rude airport staff. I will do almost anything to avoid your city.
6. Is That Necessary Any More?
It's 2009, everyone in the world knows how to operate a seat belt buckle... For those of you that have bumped your head on the cabin ceiling during turbulence - you deserved it!
5. No Solicitation
Alaska Airlines - listen up! Please stop peddling the subscription to your credit card on the plane. And for the rest of you airline marketing execs, consider this - the best customer service is provided when you simply leave us alone after departure. Really - just go in the back, sit down and read a book, we'll buzz you when we're thirsty.
4. My iPod - will somehow bring the plane down
Hey United Flight Attendants - lighten up! I understand rules. I understand safety. But please don't try to lecture me about how my iPod can interfere with "systems" on this plane and jeopardize the passengers' safety. That is not possible. That might work for grandma, but I paid attention in school.
Air traffic communication uses VHF & UHF (AM) frequencies between 119.7500-387.1000 (at the Oakland ATF Center.) Instrument systems on the plane are closed and hard-wired. I cannot accidentally plug my noise canceling headphones into the "wrong" jack and change the altimeter reading. My iPod doesn't emit radio signals. It cannot affect the temperature reading on the wingtips. The plane's emergency beacons are wireless, but they also use a low frequency, long wavelength signal (so it can be found from many hundreds of miles away.) Bluetooth range is 30ft - max (see #3).
Besides, Mythbusters debunked the notion that personal electronics can bring a plane down.
Southwest Flight Attendants - thank you! You get it. You appreciate that my only reason for listening to my iPod is to drown out all the senseless yapping going on prior to departure.
3. Designated Smoking Areas? I Vote For Designated Calling Areas
Bluetooth technology is really cool. It allows devices to find and communicate with each other within a 30ft range. The most common application is when an earpiece is paired with your mobile phone. However, I believe that the Bluetooth signals interfere with the common courtesy signals in your brain. How else do you explain why people will engage in loud, open telephone conversations about the most intimate of topics while standing in line, sitting next to you, in the restroom, at the checkout counter. They are mere inches away. I can't help but listen, so sometimes I actually give advice. It's subtle, but I pretend to be talking on the phone as well...
"What was that? Sorry, I didn't hear you... I'm standing next to some dude that is talking to his girlfriend... He should dump her, but then he really isn't that good looking and wears stupid shoes. What's that? I don't know, he's probably a high school drop out - doesn't seem real bright, not much common sense..."
2. Musical Seats
I am amazed at how many ordinarily smart people, students, athletes, professionals, moms & dads, titans of industry, board a plane and forget the first six letters of the alphabet. If your ticket reads 13B then your posterior belongs in 13B - not 14C or 23A.
On a flight from Sacramento to Washington DC, a woman boarded late. She was obviously a frequent traveler and had gained United's Premier Executive status granting her a seat in 4C. Someone was already seated there. She stood her ground. "That is my seat, you go find yours" Good for her, I thought, its a long flight. The ensuing exercise required re-seating 13 passengers and delayed departure for 25 minutes because somebody thought the row/seat combination was merely a suggestion and 11 other passengers agreed like mindless sheep.
You want to pick your own seat? Fly Southwest.
1. Restroom Sensors
These little morsels of automation are supposed to better ration precious resources like soap, paper and water. They don't. There is a sink design in Omaha, NE and Pasco, WA that has you place your hands under the faucet in order to trip the water sensor only to have your left sleeve (or Rolex) splashed with pink soap.
How about the whopping 15mm of recycled paper dispensed to dry your hands? Or the paper quality that had me convinced in Albuquerque that I was a magician capable of making paper disappear simply by adding water...
Ever had your butt splashed by a pre-mature flush? Yeah - you know what I'm talking about...